3 Steps to Giving Feedback That Lands

The framework I use before every hard conversation.

I had to give some really tough feedback the other day. I don't love these conversations, and I don't know a lot of people who do. But feedback is such a huge part of being a caring leader. I have this same conversation with the leaders I coach all the time, because let's face it: no one really wants to give tough feedback, and most of us need a pep talk before we do.

So consider this your pep talk: have the conversation.

And here's a bonus. This is a three-step process I've used for a long time to make sure I'm giving feedback that's effective and actually cares for the other person.

1. Acknowledge the positive intention.

The first thing I do is look at what the other person actually values, because what we value drives our actions. When someone makes a mistake, handles something the wrong way, or does something ineffectively, it's usually not intentional. It's usually because their focus is on a different value than the one the situation calls for. If I can figure out what that value is, what they truly care about, it helps me align them, or realign them, in the right direction.

Here's an example. Someone who deeply values relationships and building trust typically has a hard time letting go of toxic relationships. They're usually the ones who hold on to employees too long, giving chance after chance. To honor that value, I start by acknowledging the positive intention: "I appreciate how much you care about the people around you." That helps break down the wall. When you go into a hard conversation and lead with the critique, defenses go up and your message doesn't get heard. But when you disarm first, by naming the positive intention you actually recognize in that person, the walls usually come down. That opens the bridge for the next step.

2. Explain why it's ineffective.

In this situation, you might say something like, "I appreciate how much you care for our team and that you hold on to relationships and give people second chances. In this situation, here's how that's not working." Then explain why, specifically, in this case. Maybe the rest of the team is suffering because of the one person you're holding on to. Explain why that value, in this particular situation, is ineffective.

This is the step people rush or skip, and it's usually because it's the most uncomfortable one to say out loud. But vague feedback isn't kind, it's just easier on you. If you don't name the actual impact, the other person walks away feeling good about the conversation without understanding what needs to change. Clarity here is what makes the whole model work.

3. Redirect.

Feedback isn't helpful unless you give the other person a new direction to aim for. This last step sounds something like, "Here's what needs to happen moving forward." This is your chance to correct with care.

Be specific. "Do better" isn't a direction, it's a feeling. Tell them exactly what the next version of this looks like, whether that's a timeline, a decision they need to make, or a behavior they need to change. The clearer you are here, the less room there is for the same conversation to happen again next month. This is also the step that builds trust over time, because the people you lead learn that when you bring something to them, you're also going to help them figure out what to do about it.

If you can do these three things well, acknowledge the positive intention, explain why it's ineffective in this situation, and tell them what to do moving forward, you'll feel better giving feedback. And hopefully the person receiving it feels honored, because you did the kind thing. You communicated clearly.

What's the conversation you've been putting off, and what do you think that person actually values underneath it?